


A Comedy of Errors

by Mel1



Category: Stargate SG-1, Without a Trace
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-21
Updated: 2017-01-21
Packaged: 2018-09-19 01:53:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9412529
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mel1/pseuds/Mel1
Summary: My thoughts of what might happen if team from SG1 ran into the team from WAT.





	1. Double Double

Crossing the street with two members of her team, Samantha Spade was suddenly engulfed in white light and felt herself propelled off her feet as though by a strong wind or electrical current. It was the same sensation as the deep plummet of a high roller coaster and just when she thought she'd pass out from it, she felt her body make hard contact with the ground and she rolled to a stop.

As the darkness caused by the brightness slowly left her eyes, she called, "Jack, what was that?"

An unfamiliar voice answered, "How the hell should I know. You're the smart one."

Someone else spoke, "I hope it wasn't another energy spike that gets us a black hole or submerged in Antarctica."

"Danny?" Sam asked, her vision still not 100%.

"Um – Sam?" the voice asked back, sounding a little confused. "Are you all right?"

"No I'm not all right." She stood up, rubbing the spot on her head that hit the pavement and found herself facing two men she didn't know. Both wore military uniforms and carried weapons.

"Where's Jack?"

"Right here," ne man said.

"Where's Danny?"

"Uh – right here. _ _Sammy,__ " the other man said, sounding a little snippy.

"Where's Martin?"

"Martouf?" Snippy Danny asked. "You know – he's – he's –." He seemed to be indicating some terrible fate.

"Not Mar-TOOTH," Samantha snapped. "Mar-TIN. Where's Vivian? Where are we? What's going on?"

"Uh – Captain?" This Jack got her attention. He pointed to her chest. "You wanna zip it up there? You're practically out of uniform. In fact you're practically out of everything."

Sam looked down. Her blouse was unbuttoned to its customary middle button but it was a military shirt like they were wearing and not the slinky silk white one she'd been wearing before. She quickly did the buttons.

"You have no idea what trouble you're in," she warned them. "When Jack –."

"Yeah?"

"And Danny -."

"Daniel."

"And Martin -."

"That's Martouf –."

"– find out I'm missing they're going to be all over you."

"Yeah, whatever." This Jack pulled on a pair of sunglasses and turned away. "Uh – _Danny_ – you wanna give me the run down here?"

* * *

 

_**Meanwhile – across the galaxy** _

"I've got it!" Sam Carter cried triumphantly. "It's another parallel universe!"

"Parallel shmarallel, can we get back to work?" A voice muttered from behind a partition. It was this universe's Daniel. __Danny__ he liked to be called.

"Sam?" This Jack asked. He sounded like he was trying to be very patient with a very stupid person. "Right now, _you're not the missing person_. Okay? Can we maybe focus on somebody else for a change?"

"No! You don't understand! I've figured it out! Now all we need is for somebody else to make it go away and then I can take all the credit!"

"Sam-."

"Jack," Sam suddenly grinned. "See? That proves it. My universe has Jack in a leadership position. So does this one. My universe has Daniel. Yours has – well – _a_ Daniel."

"I prefer _DANNY_." The voice still came from behind the partition. Sam refused to be stopped.

"And well, OK, you don't have Teal'c, but Vivian is black and she does have a son."

"And where does Martin fit into all of this?" Jack asked.

"Well, I guess he'd be like Siler, or maybe even the airmen at the gate controls. You know, we see him all the time but we never learn anything about him…"

"Wonderful," Jack said. He covered his eyes with his hands.

"Thank you sir. But really, it was a team effort!"

 


	2. Comedy and Error

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> General Hammond calls a meeting between the two teams.

General Hammond sat at the long conference table with the two teams seated on either side of it. In the first chair there were two Jacks, in the next chair there were two Sams. After that was Daniel and Danny, then Teal’c and Vivian. Next to Vivian, with no counterpart on the SG side, sat Martin.

Each side glared at the other.

“All right people, we’ve got a situation here and I don’t have to tell you it’s serious,” the General started right in. “Now I understand this might be a very strange coincidence but I’m not willing – _the President of the United States_ _is not willing_ – to take any chances. Dr. Fraiser, can you tell me what you’ve found.”

“Yes, General…” she shuffled some papers. “They’re all in perfect health. No sign of goaulds. However, the similarities are remarkable.”

Before she could continue, the door opened and Jonas walked in. “Hey, sorry I’m late. I guess my invite got lost in the wormhole.” He sat across from Martin and took a quick check of name tags. “Wow – O’Neill, Malone, Taylor, Fitzgerald, Fraiser, Quinn. Somebody sure likes Irishmen.”

Jack O’Neill made a derisive noise. “If he’s Irish, I’m Osiris,” he said of the man sitting across from him.

“As I was saying…” Janet went on. “On the one side we have Jack Malone, who has two daughters, is separated from his wife, and had an affair with his blonde co-worker named Samantha. On the other side we have -.”

“You know, everybody pretty much knows my story so why don’t we just move on –.” Jack O’Neill tried but Dr. Fraiser kept going.

“We have Jack O’Neill, who had a son, is divorced from his wife and has an implied ‘ship’ with his blonde team mate named Samantha.”

“What’s a ‘ship’?” Danny asked.

“Relationship,” Jonas explained.

“Ohhh.”

“Next,” Dr. Fraiser flipped a couple of pages. “We have the two Samanthas. Both are blonde, both have ‘things’ for their bosses, both have or have had cops for boyfriends, both are given way too much screen time and story lines, and both have anomalous lips.”

Everyone at the table stared at the lips in question.

“There is nothing wrong with my lips,” Sam Carter insisted.

“Uh – well – Sam,” Daniel said. “How many soldiers actually go into battle wearing lipstick? And – well –.” He hesitated and then forged ahead, “Waaay too much lip liner?”

“He’s got you there,” Jack O’Neill agreed.

Samantha Spade laughed and Carter shot across the table. “At least I can see my own feet over my lips.”

“At least I have breasts,” Samantha shot back.

“Hey!” O’Neill cut in. “She’s got breasts.”

“Yes, she does,” Jonas agreed, much too enthusiastically.

“ _PEOPLE,_ ” General Hammond raised his voice to get their attention. “Can we get back to the issue at hand?” He nodded for the doctor to continue.

“Thank you, sir. Next, we have Daniel Jackson and Danny Taylor. Both witnessed the death of their parents at an early age. Both were then placed into the foster care system, Danny canonically and Daniel fanonically. Danny apparently changed his identity for a fresh start. Daniel ascended but then reentered his life for an ostensible fresh start. Danny was an alcoholic. Daniel was a sarcophagoholic. Danny identified with that girl who killed her mother and then had PTSD. Daniel identified with that robot who felt she had been made wrong and only wanted a friend. Daniel lost his wife. Danny has made reference to a female in his life who he lost, perhaps in the foster care system. Danny’s hair has gone from bad to good. Daniel’s hair has gone from good to yikes.”

“On that point I must concur,” Teal’c said.

“Hey, what’s the matter with my hair?” Daniel asked. He turned to Teal’c. “You said you liked my hair.”

“Daniel-Jackson, I was responsible for the capture of your wife, which led to her becoming a host to Ammonet, unwilling concubine to Apophis, mother of a Harseesis, and ultimately led to her death. Making you believe I felt your sartorial efforts were agreeable to me was such an heroic act of will that I felt finally I might have atoned for your loss of Shaare.”

“What’d he just say?” Martin asked.

“There is nothing wrong with my lips,” Sam Carter muttered.

“Except they keep flapping,” Danny shot back at her, and he and Samantha exchanged a high five.

Teal’c lifted one eyebrow. “However it would appear that while Samantha Carter does on a regular basis risk her life for the sake of all humans on this planet and throughout the galaxy, Samantha Spade’s main reason for existence seems to consist of exposing her mammaries and looking dour whenever the subject of marriage comes up while Agent Malone is in the room.”

“’Dour’”? Jack Malone asked. “Who are you – Shakespeare?”

“Did you know that some people think Shakespeare was a woman?” Daniel asked.

Carter smirked. “I’m sure it was a team effort.”

“Oh – here we go again,” Malone complained. “And what’s with this risking your life to save the planet crap? I heard it took you two years to get nowhere with the Stargate and him -.” He pointed to Daniel “-only two weeks to figure the whole thing out. And excuse me Ms. Knowitall, but how come Kid Jackson over there had to explain planetary drift to you?”

“ _She was the first one out of the prison on Abydos too and the first one through the wormhole home._ ” Daniel spoke softly.

“What?” Sam demanded.

“Uh – oh – nothing.” He smiled at her. When she turned away, he whispered again, “ ‘ _We kicked butt on that planet.’ ‘We’ did this and ‘we’ did that and I can do anything ‘cause I’m Sam I Am_.’”

“What are you muttering about?” Sam demanded.

“Me? No, nothing. I’m not saying anything.” He looked around quickly. “Uh – Dr. Fraiser, were you done with the comparisons between myself and Danny?”

“For the moment, yes.” Janet looked over her file and down the table. “Next is Teal’c and Vivian. Both are black and both have a son they are distant from, either emotionally or galactically. Teal’c faced death from the loss of his symbiote and Vivian had to have a potentially fatal heart condition surgically repaired.However, while Teal'c is the oldest member of the team, Vivian is not.”

“I’m thirty-two,” Carter tossed in brightly, for no good reason.

“Yeah, your bra size maybe,” Samantha Spade answered.

“Sam, I gotta tell you,” Jonas leaned over to see her. “You passed thirty-two a _looooooong_ time ago. It’s the jowls you know.” He patted his face.

“PEOPLE – I did not call this meeting to have it degenerate into personal attacks,” General Hammond shouted. “Captain Carter is a skilled and valuable member of our team and her age is irrelevant.”

“Thank you, sir,” Carter said and glared at Jonas, who only tapped his neck again and mouthed ‘ _jowls_ ’ with a knowing wink.

“Can we continue?” the General growled.

“Yessir, next is Martin.”

“I don’t compare to anyone,” Martin said.

“Yeah, you wish,” Samantha Spade spat back.

“Look, I’m just saying that nobody was sitting across from me, OK?”

“You know, you look familiar,” O’Neill said. “Did we ever work together before?”

“Were you ever lost?” Martin asked.

“Yeah. A couple times. Not on this planet of course.”

Carter immediately cut in, “But then I was able to determine exactly -.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever,” both Jacks said, cutting her off.

“Actually, I have been able to isolate some similarities between Martin and members of our team,” Janet said. “For instance, with Daniel Jackson he shares bad hair and no discernible social life, and neither of them uses a nickname. Also, like Jonas, when Martin joined his team he was something of an outsider.”

“I was an outsider?” Jonas asked, crushed.

“At least if no one wanted me it wasn't because I played cover-up and blamed a beloved team member for my own people's incompetence,” Martin said.

“No, but you shot someone in cold blood and lied about it to your superiors. That counts, right?” Jonas asked.

“You know I didn’t even get counseling for that? Samantha shoots somebody and it’s all anyone can think about. I get nothing but a little bureaucratic grief.”

“Tell me about it,” Daniel commiserated. “Sam I Am here starts acting funny and everybody rushes to figure out why, even after she threatened Cassie. I have a couple of hallucinations and they throw me in a padded room and lose the key.”

“Don’t you hate that?" Martin said. "Maybe if we had more silicone in us than carbs we’d get more screen time too.” 

“I was an outsider?” Jonas asked again. “I thought you people liked me.”

“Hey, Jonah?” Danny called down. “Here’s a quarter, buy a clue.”

“No, I liked you,” Daniel said.

“Really?”

“Yeah, really.”

“But Daniel-Jackson, you also showed concern to the host of Apophis,” Teal’c pointed out.

“Yeah, but that was the host, not Apophis himself.”

“Still, it would call into question your power of discernment when asked to express your regard for other persons.”

“What’d he just say?” Martin asked.

“Jonas, you just never fit in,” Sam told him. “I mean come on – you never once flirted with me. Every guy is supposed to fall for me. It’s just a given. Even Thor made a pass at me and he was just a Muppet or something.”

Jonas stared at her and said one word, “ _Jowls_.”

“Okay, Samantha, can we focus here?” Malone asked. “Not everything is about you okay? Not every guy is gonna fall for you. You can’t take credit for everything that goes right. Sometimes you have to let somebody else have a scene with O’Neill here. Okay Princess? Time to grow up.”

“Oh my God, I can’t believe it.” Carter exclaimed. “You’re flirting with me!”

Malone put his head into his hands. “Oh, for the love of -”

 

The End.

 


End file.
